Some of you may have heard of the squalid little case of human greed that came out of North Carlolina a few weeks back. If you haven’t, you missed out on newly plumbed depths of the human soul. Perhaps a wee recap may help…
John Wood, the poor bastard, lost his leg in a plane crash a few years back and – wanting to be cremated ‘whole’ when he died – had the leg embalmed. He took it home, kept it in his freezer for a while, then hung it on a fencepost before it was finally stashed in a smoker he hoarded with some other belongings in a local storage unit.
Yes, you read that right…he hung it on a fucking fencepost. And then kept it in something that is used to prepare food…
Anyhoo, one day John fell on hard times (can’t imagine why – he sounds like such a clever, lovely chap) and the stuff he had in the storage unit was sold at public auction. Which is where the greedy little weasel Mr Whisnant comes in. He bid for and won the smoker and its contents, and upon getting it home found those contents to include John’s leg. Following which began a ludicrous spat over ownership – John wanted his leg back, but Mr Whisnant wouldn’t return it. Why? Because he was making a tidy little packet charging people to see it! [In case you're wondering, the going rate for a viewing of an amputed leg is three bucks per adult, a buck per kid].
Leg Thief
Mr Whisnant’s statement to the local media regarding John wanting his leg back? Claiming he just wants to ‘bring people happiness’ (well, the people that’ll bring him $3 anyway), he eloquently stated he “…don’t want to sue anybody, but I don’t care…I’ll sue anyone who stands in my way. I at least want split custody of the leg…if that doesn’t work, we’ll (sue) for full custody.”
“Everybody knows it’s mine, period,” Whisnant excreted. “And if anyone tries to take it, I want everything they got.”
Thank god someone has seen some bloody sense – the cops have stepped in, and the leg has made its way back to Mr Wood. But it doesn’t end there. This kind of thing being the kind of thing it is, a TV Judge has stepped in and will decide who deserves ownership. Of a bloody amputated leg.
And if that little adventure doesn’t work out for Mr Whisnant?
He wants to “write some books and do some movies.”
Mr Whisnant – please do. Please do spend the next couple of years shut away in a room writing a book so we don’t have to listen to the drivel that seems to dribble down your chin every time you open that ghastly mouth of yours. And when you’ve finished, please may I have a copy so I can relieve myself upon it and then burn it without even bothering to open the damn thing – which is just slightly better than I’m sure it would deserve.
On a lighter note, it’s twelve days until the iPhone is released upon the frenzied UK Mac-faithful. If anyone sees me shuffling down Oxford Street in the wee hours of November 9th with a thermos and deck chair under my arm, keep me company will you?
Matt,
While you freeze your butt down at the Apple Store, do you mind picking me up an iPhone too?
Cheers, you’re a good man.